That's How Winning is Done

I just like this. Fires me up.

Working, Waiting, Watching

I’m at an odd place here.

I started this blog to provide a place to work out some of the random thoughts that come to me while driving, while conversing, while living, and expressing them in a more cogent and complete format. I did not intend to for it to become a Me-blog, full of self-disclosure and emotional auto-surgery. Throughout most of my writing here, I have been purposely vague regarding people I love. I don’t believe that a public internet space is the best place to reveal all manner of personal details. If you review my writing carefully, you can see that I never mention the names of my family, or post pictures of them (except the ones with my bride and I mugging for the camera at In and Out Burger). There are certainly no photos of the girls, as I feel especially protective of them, particularly when it comes to cyberspace.

But now I’ve gone and done it. I posted some of my personal drama for all to see. I certainly welcome the prayers and support of my friends, as well as the strangers that have apparently found their way to my writing. Thank you all. At this point, however, I feel I owe a bit of an explanation. I’m going to attempt to provide some detail, and yet still remain fuzzy on certain parts because I still want to maintain a certain cyber-distance here. For those of you who actually do know me and my family, I welcome you to call or write, and I’m more than happy to share details with you. For the rest of you who only know me through what I write here, know that I do indeed appreciate your reading. And I do appreciate the comments and kind words offered. Nevertheless, because I’m not really trying to open the entire book of my life for the entire world, I hope that you will forgive a certain terseness of expression and imprecision on certain details.

So…what’s the problem that has created all this ruckus?

It falls into three categories. First, my business. I have been engaged in a business for 4 years now. I have seen a certain measure of success in the beginning, and the last 3 years have been an up and down ride, mostly trending down -- at least trending well below the requirements of my life. I have poured my life into this business, expended great amount of energy and effort, learned much, and used up almost every penny of my savings. In the process I have ignored much that needed doing simply for lack of funds. I have come to a point of crisis. My frustration is such that although I can’t imagine what else to do, I also can’t quite imagine continuing on as I have.

Which brings me to the second category – my finances. Suffice it to say that I have nothing left. This is a problem which can be managed if one has a) high flexibility b)low responsibility c)good prospects for the future. My problem is that I have low to moderate flexibility, high responsibility, and after so much struggle to so little effect, I am finding it difficult to envision good prospects. A friend recently suggested applying for government aid and the idea repulses me. I can’t bring myself to do it. I have been carrying debt that I cannot pay right now, my cars and my house have some serious problems with deferred maintenance, my body likewise, and I’m left deciding which bills will not get paid this month. This has been going on so long that I am left feeling drained and just tired of the struggle.

What is the third? On top of all this, my wife has been struggling with health issues for some years. We have been living for the last three under the spectre of Multiple Sclerosis. Recently, some of this came to a head when she awoke one morning unable to see from one eye. To cut through the intervening events, it appears to be uveitis (inflammation of the eye) which is usually a signal of other conditions taking place within the body. Specifically it usually points to an auto-immune condition, or a rheumatic (inflammatory illness) condition. We are not sure what this may mean in the long run, but we suspect it will not be very good. On the other hand, we may be getting just a little closer to finding out what has actually been plaguing her for all these years, and find a treatment. The greatest problem is that we simply don't know. The possibilities for this range from the deadly to the chronically inconvenient. One tries not to mentally go to the worst case scenario, for while it may be true (or may not) dwelling there yields few benefits. Yet that is where the mind tends to want to go. It is a discipline to keep a firm grip on reality yet a strong focus on the best possible outcome at all times. For my wife, this raises all kinds of questions about what she needs to do to take care of herself, including considering whether she can continue to operate our home school. These are enormous questions. Mostly, we just want her to be well because we love her.

Of course, all this comes at a price. While I am glad for the doctors and the work they have been doing, the fear created by the news they are uncovering is heightened by the fact that I have absolutely no idea of how I am going to pay for all this. We have some health insurance (for which we pay most dearly – a significant source of our financial ills) but it by no means covers everything. By the time this is all done, I could foresee this doubling or tripling our debt. I’m just making that number up, but it seems feasible. Again, this would be manageable if I could see how I could make the money to pay for it. My challenge is that I do not seem to have the wherewithal within my current business to obtain to that.

So here I am. Something’s gotta give. And perhaps something is. We have been alert and looking to see how God is working in this. We know that He seems to like to work through the agency of the people around us, but we have also tried to be alert for outright miracles. We wouldn’t put it past Him. He has a history of that sort of thing.

Today we had a most candid conversation with a man who has been a good friend, mentor and teacher throughout this process. He brought me into this business. Today he listened. He asked a few questions and learned some things of which he was not aware. He promised to work with us to find a way to make things work. This conversation has been extremely helpful.

I have found a way to possibly reduce the cost of our family health insurance. I will be pursuing that immediately.

We have been amazed at how many people have responded by pointing us to resources, people they know who know something about this sort of thing. Others have stepped up to tell us (and show us) how much they care by actually providing physical help, taking the girls so we can go to doctor’s appointments, or accompanying my wife when I cannot. Others who cannot do that have offered innumerable words of encouragement and prayer, and we are exceptionally grateful for those. In a time when we find ourselves praying more than every, we especially appreciate the prayers of others.

The medication my wife is taking is helping. Her eyesight is improving as the inflammation reduces. We have been pleased by the physicians she has been working with.

These then, are the great dragons of my life now. We work, and we work and we work. That does not stop. We also wait and wait and wait. And perhaps we learn slowly, slowly, to trust and depend not on our own arms, but on the arm of the LORD to slay them. We learn slowly, slowly to live by the power of His Spirit, and in this to ascribe to the One True and Living God the glory due Him.

Standing

As a rule, Dragon Slayers are not prone to whining. Most of the whiners are weeded out early in the interview process. It is simply not a trait conducive to effectiveness in saurian combat. So part of being a Dragon Slayer is a built in toughness, a tolerance for pain, a high concentration of grit and gristle and grin and bear it.

Even so, one might be excused for the occasional flinch, the momentary outburst, the reflexive grunt when struck. No one ever said that dragons die easily. In fact they are renowned for being tough, clever, persistent and crafty enemies. They will seldom go down without giving almost as good as they get, inflicting injury and harm wherever they can strike. So Dragon Slayers get hit. A lot. It goes with the territory. When you step out of the castle and onto the battleground, you give up the safety of the walls and you are fairly begging to take one on the chin. Does it really matter that much if you made noise when the tail whacked you? Or is it more important that you simply got up to go at it again?

And there is the real issue. It is one thing to stand there and take the hit. It is another to rise again after uncounted knock downs to attack with vigor and intrepid fortitude.

Teddy Roosevelt was a dragon slayer. He understood this well.

It is not the critic that counts – not the one who points out where the strong man stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done better. No, the credit belongs to the one who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by the dust and sweat and blood – who spends himself in a worthy cause, whose heart knows the great enthusiasm and the great devotions. If they succeed, they know in the end the triumph of high achievement; but if they fail they at least fail while daring greatly, so that their place shall never be among those cold and timid souls which know neither victory nor defeat.

Victory is not mine, yet. Let me just say….at least I am still standing, and that counts for something.

The Original Dragon

Speaking with a friend today about dragons and our proper response. Our conversation moved around to the original dragon, that one that spoke so smoothly to our Mother Eve in the Garden. It is a testament to the charm and beauty of the dragon that he was allowed to live. If he had not been so beautiful, and so attractive, and so seductive, would not Adam have seen him for what he was, grabbed a stick and beat the living crap out of him?

Why didn't he? Did he even notice that Eve was talking to a worm? Why did he not notice? And if he did, why did he not act? I'm afraid I'm not much different. I don't notice lots of things. And when I do notice them, if they are seductive, and feel good, I do nothing about them. I am indeed Adam's son. This is how we all got screwed up in the first place. Dragonslayers are not allowed to fall in love with their mortal enemies. But we want to.

So who has the bigger part of me? The first Adam, who didn't know a dragon if it bit him? Or the Second Adam, who kills all dragons without mercy, and restores both the garden and the city back to the full weight of their glory?

A Better Dragon Story

Time to return to my roots. Let’s talk about Dragons.

Thanks to my friend Assistant Village Idiot, who recently published a post decrying the de-fanging of the dragon in modern western culture. As often happens, AVI goes for the jugular and ends up firing directly into the heart and out the other side making a hole the size of a basketball. I recommend reading his post on dragons because that’s what got me going on this stream of consciousness riff. Then come back here and hang on because some of this might actually make sense. (I’m not editing this – it comes out how it comes out- and I’m feeling pretty ranty tonite)

So, why would anyone really care about how this culture, our culture, views and portrays dragons. Well boys and girls, it’s all about the story. Our culture is essentially shaped by the kind of stories we tell and hear, and the way we tell and hear them. We ourselves, as atoms of culture, are shaped by the stories we engage ourselves in. Why do you think it is that movies and television are such powerful influences on our culture? It’s because they tell stories in an especially powerful and compelling way and they tell lots of them. We are constantly being washed by stories – washed and soaked and saturated and waterlogged and marinated. The stories we hear most get into our bones and we can’t ever really get them out except by replacing them with new stories.

Dragons are a narrative object. They are antagonist, protagonist, creators of conflict, vessels of metaphor. Dragons arise from and manifest the worst and most pernicious and evil aspects of ourselves and the world we live in. Dragon is the embodiment of evil great and evil small – and the size has little to do with how dangerous it is.

If there is no evil, if Dragons are really our friends, then does that change the way we think about evil? Are we more willing to live with our own personal dragons? For most of our Dragons are personal. Evil is not all Hitler and Osama. It’s easy to look at those goons and say, “Well, at least I haven’t killed 6 million jews today. I must be alright.” That’s letting yourself off the hook too lightly.

What are your Dragons? Be honest now. You have them. Here is one classic list from the Ancient Writings: “sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like.” There are other lists, but this is a good one to start with. I might also add laziness, greed, fear, ignorance, injustice, oppression, slavery, addiction and apathy. Think these Dragons don’t live in you? Think again. Look again.

You must kill them. There is no room for truce or parlay. Instead of chatting with it, our Parents ought to have asked for the Angel’s sword and lopped the head off the serpent in the Garden. no. The only right response is to go after him hammer and tongs, no mercy, to the death. Using a different metaphor, Jim Rohn puts it this way:

"You cannot take the mild approach to the weeds in your mental garden. You have got to hate weeds enough to kill them. Weeds are not something you handle; weeds are something you devastate."

So here is a story for you. You discover a dragon ruining the kingdom of your Life. So you ride out to slay it. You call it by name and run to battle. You thrust and cut. You are thrown down. You rise again. You beat and bleed. You fight on and on until, with the help of Dragon Bane, you slay the beast. The worm lies before you and you place your foot on it's head, blood dripping from your sword and sweat from your brow. You shout a challenge to the other serpents to let them know that you are coming for them too.

I like that story.

Took the Tranny in the Fanny

It’s an ugly moment when you recognize that what at first appears to be a huge piece of bad luck really boils down being your own damn fault.

Last year I had a car with 200,000 miles on it, in need of about $1000 of repairs. Decided it was time to trade it in and get some newer and more dependable. Picked up a pretty decent deal on a 1999 Subaru Forester with only 69,000 miles. Now just over a year later, the Forester has 105,000 miles on it and has a completely (insert your swear word of choice here)-up transmission. The good news is that it shouldn’t cost me more than $3000. It might only cost me about $2000. So my master plan to pick up a more dependable vehicle obviously was a stroke of pure genius.

But wait you say. How could you have known that the tranny would poop out early? You are correct. I could not have known that. And that is not where my fault lies. My fault lies in that damned dragon called failure to manage your money. That ugly moment when I realized that a little bit (OK, maybe a LOT) of discipline in regards to saving money regularly would have gone some distance toward mitigating this situation. It wouldn’t have avoided the problem, but it would have given me the wherewithal to combat it more effectively.

Lesson learned. I’m saving money from now on dammit! Putting a little away. Filling the slush fund. Secreting away a little mad money. That dragon must die and I start twisting the garotte today.