Your Mama...

Your mama is so fat, when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up.
Your mama is so fat, when she goes to the movie, she sits next to everyone.
Your mama is so fat, when she goes in a resturant, she looks at the menu and says," Okay ".
Your mama is so fat, she has to iron her pants on the driveway.
Your mama is so fat, she puts her lipstick on with a paint roller.
Your mama is so fat, she has to pull down her pants to get in her pocket.
Your mama is so fat, you have to take a train and two buses, just to get on her good side.
Your mama is so fat, she has to wake up in sections.
Your mama's so fat, she sat on a quarter and a boogger popped out of George Washington's nose.
Your mama is so fat, she put on some BVD's and by the time she got them on, they spelled boulevard.
Your mama is so fat, the National Weather Service gives a name for each one of her farts.
Your mama is so ugly, they're going to move Halloween to her birthday.
Your mama is so ugly, she makes onions cry.
Your mama is so ugly, she went to the beauty shop and it took three hours, for an estimate.
Your mama is so ugly, when she goes to the beach, cats try to put sand on her.
Your mama is so old, when she was in school, they didn't have history.
Your mama is so old, when I told her to act her own age, she died.
Your mama's so fat, when she's standing on the corner, police drive by and say, "Hey! Break it up!"

Stewardship

So----the preacher was dissatisfied with how little his congregation put in the collection plates on Sunday, so he learned hypnosis. He preached the sermon in a monotone and he swung a watch slowly in front of the lectern and at the end of the sermon he said, "Give!" and the collection plate was full of twenty dollar bills. It worked for weeks. The congregation sat mesmerized during the sermon, staring at the watch swinging, and when he said, "Give!" they gave everything they had, and then one Sunday, at the end of the sermon, the chain on the watch broke, and the preacher said, "Crap!"