Patience with Fools

When it first came out, a friend of mine commented on Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. He did not complain that the Jar Jar Binks character made him want to spew. Instead he complained that this movie continued to reinforce a common theme in today's pop culture -- that if your heart is in the right place, you can succeed without any discipline or preparation, regardless of the difficulty of the task.

He may have had something there. I work with a number of young people at a large national retailer. A few are what I would consider typical youth, using their work experience as a way point on a journey upward. Others, however, will make noise about their plans and ambitions but seem to lack any ability to actually act in the direction of their stated goals. Nice kids, but not real clear on how life really works.

Some of the YouTube comments complain that the author of the video is being mean to aspiring writers. I would say it's fine to encourage those [fill in the blank] who are aspiring even as they work, but we need not have patience with fools. Fools should be slapped in the hopes that it will knock some sense into them.

While I haven't had a conversation exactly like the one in the video below, it made me think of some I might have.



Of course, then there are jaded old farts like me who are working at rebuilding their dreams and plans from the wreckage. C'est la guerre.

(hat tip to Jared Wilson )

Wood Pile Nov 25

Got a very late start building the woodpile this year. Very late.

I am thankful to have close to 5 cord of wood stacked up, all acquired within the last 4 weeks. The generosity of friends, a willingness to ask around, a fair amount of industrious activity and...voila!

Let's keep an eye on it as the season winds around, shall we? We can watch it slowly disappear as it transforms into cozy nights in the midst of a bitter season.

That's How Winning is Done

I just like this. Fires me up.

A Man in Full

I recently had an opportunity to do business with a 94 year old gentleman who once served in an artillery unit in the Battle of the Bulge. He subsequently spent 30 years as a firefighter in a local fire department. He has been married for 64 years -- "to the same woman."

I should be half the man that he is.

Practical Ecclesiology Introduction

My family belongs to a small church. Quite small. Historically, it was a new church plant about 14 years ago. Membership, attendance and involvement has gone up and down a bit since its establishment, but we have never approached medium size, never mind large. Rather than MegaChurch, you might refer to us a micro church – although that carries overtones of a house church structure – and we certainly aren’t that. Specifically we are running at approximately 36 active adult members in a very traditional congregational polity, with Worship on Sunday mornings, and a few other minsitry and fellowship opportunities throughout any given week.

This size is just about enough to sustain a small membership with a full time pastor and limited organized ministry. Part of the reason this works is that we rent space to meet from a local Seventh Day Adventist congregation. In some ways it works pretty well. They meet on Saturdays. We meet on Sundays. They have generally been very supportive of us, and our rent is very reasonable.

To paraphrase Daniel Webster’s famous quip about his Alma Mater, Dartmouth College, “It’s a small church, but there are those who love it.” We are very good at certain kinds of things. First and foremost, we are pretty good at being a church – as opposed to being merely a provider of religious goods and services. Our worship is a blend of liturgical and less formal styles that is definitely “churchy” and God centered, yet seeks to be reasonable accessible without being about performance or entertainment. (I see this as a strength, not everyone would agree) Our conversations after worship, whether informal talks around the coffee pot, or more structured discussions in our “Adult Formation” class have been very important shaping points for many of us. We are good at providing a place where your kids love to be. We are good at rising to meet various needs of our membership and community that come to us. One of our members summed it up by saying, “We are pretty good at swarming.” By this he meant that we are good at just throwing a lot of energy and resources (such as we have) at a challenge that presents itself to us. We are pretty good at providing a web of friendships and connections that support and nurture our connection to Jesus. Many of us can testify about how Christ is using our church to help us to grow spiritually as individuals and as a group. In general, I see us as a group of people who seek to follow Jesus and are busy working out how to do it together - knowing that we are far getting it down pat. 

In spite of these positive qualities, and many other good things I could write about, our denominational bureaucracy (Evangelical Covenant Church) has recently identified us as an “At Risk” church. By this the denomination means that on paper we manifest a number of qualities that indicate that we are likely to fold within a few years. These qualities include, but are not limited to, small membership, declining membership, small budget, able to support only a part time pastor, etc. While not all of those risk factors strictly apply to us, enough do so that we have been flagged for special attention. We are small. We have not grown much in numbers. We have not brought in any converts in some time. We have had some close calls financially in the last few years, but are currently stable.

So for the past 12 months, we have been engaging in a process to determine what should be done about this. Today, we had a discussion amongst the membership about exactly these questions. What do we need to do to intentionally lift us out of the “at risk” category into something more “viable.” As you might imagine, this was a lively discussion. Some of us vehemently object to the characterization, and for some very good reasons that are worth discussing. Where people land on these issues says a great deal about their theology of church. 

As you might guess, I have some thought about what church is and how God wants us to do it. Rather than post one long post on some of the key ideas rising out of this conversation, I will be posting several shorter articles outlining a few of my thoughts on the matter. 

Shrinking Life

Spent time visiting my Mom yesterday. According to the nurse she had been sitting up in her chair for a few hours earlier in the day. When I got there, she was in bed, and the nurse was helping her drink some water using little sponges to transfer the water from the cup to her mouth. She seemed happy to see me, and my oldest daughter, who was with me. About 10 minutes after I arrived she fell asleep and stayed asleep through most of the time I was there.

Five days ago, I sat through a care meeting with the staff at Havenwood and one of my brothers. The meeting reaffirmed what we understood to be the prognosis. I was struck by how personally the staff took her situation. The genuinely care about her as they are caring for her. Needless to say, this is heartening. The entire goal at this point is to make sure that Mom is as comfortable and content as possible to ease her passing.

My brother handed me an envelope with some papers she had written up some time ago with her instructions regarding her funeral. Some of this was actually pretty funny. A few items that stood out to me included her instruction that we use a “CHEAP coffin.” Any music played during the memorial service should be “PIANO ONLY. NO ORGAN.” And we are instructed that there should be no crying, “although if that cannot be avoided, it is understandable.” These things are funny because they are predictable, knowing my Mom.

Later, I think I may post some information about her life and accomplishments. She may not consider herself to have accomplished much as the world mostly counts accomplishments, but as I reflect on her life, I think that she has accomplished much.

So yesterday I mostly just sat with her, observing and being with her. In a previous post, I mentioned that it seems as though she is dissipating. A friend of mine described the process, as he observed his Grandfather in his last days, as one of shrinking. I think that adjective is also apt. It is remarkable how small and frail she looks. She was never very big, or to my recollection especially strong of body. But now her body is significantly diminished. In my life I have also seen her spirit and energy wax and wane, and now it is waning in a way that I have not seen before. It is indeed shrinking, diminishing, withdrawing. For much of the rest of the day I felt simply quiet and sad. Not depressed, but feeling a subdued sorrow. To watch someone dying is really a rather awesome thing. 

I am reminded that all life is grass. The only permanent thing is resurrection. 

Death of a Squirrel

I killed a squirrel today.

While working on my woodpile, I turned around to find a very damaged squirrel standing in front of me. Most of the skin had been ripped off one hind leg and a portion of his back. The tail was mangled badly. Most worrisome was the fact that it did not run from me. It did not seem to fear me at all. It actually walked past me, ignoring me, focused on going wherever it was going. It didn't run, it just walked. Not even really limping. It didn't seem dazed really, just gamely walking forward, and I was just one more thing to get past.

Very un-squirrel like behavior. 

My best guess is that it was hit by a car, and just wanted to get home to either recover, or die. It was clearly in tremendous pain, but trying to move through it. My first thought was to let nature take it's course. Some predator would find it soon, or it would die on it's own. Then I thought better of it. My youngest daughter was with me, and she had seen the poor creature. We talked for just a second as I explained that I was going to kill the squirrel so that it would not suffer any longer. It would not survive on it's own. I told her to go up into the house. She asked why? I said, "Because I don't want you to see me do it."

As she walked into the house, I selected a good thick oak branch from my woodpile. Making sure she was safely gone, I walked up behind the squirrel and dispatched it with a good solid blow to the head. It wasn't pleasant, but it was the right thing to do. I disposed of the body in the woods, and went to see how my girl was doing. She was with her mom, telling the story. She asked what I had done and I explained it and asked how she felt about it. She said that she was a little sad, but that is was good that the squirrel wasn't hurting anymore. I was a little surprised at her equanimity. I will be listening for other thoughts to come out in the next few days. 

So why do I write this on my blog? Mostly because I don't bludgeon living creatures to death on a regular basis - this makes it at least somewhat noteworthy. It occurred to me how fragile and also how stubborn life is. This squirrel was hit by a car, and yet crawled several hundred yards in an attempt to reach safety and rest. That's stubborn. 

Yet, it was a quick job to kill it when it came down to it. I know it would not be so quick with an uninjured squirrel. I'm not sure I could get one if I tried, except with a gun. But it was small, and vulnerable and fragile. Such death occurs all around us all day long. I normally carry on oblivious. Not today.

Working, Waiting, Watching

I’m at an odd place here.

I started this blog to provide a place to work out some of the random thoughts that come to me while driving, while conversing, while living, and expressing them in a more cogent and complete format. I did not intend to for it to become a Me-blog, full of self-disclosure and emotional auto-surgery. Throughout most of my writing here, I have been purposely vague regarding people I love. I don’t believe that a public internet space is the best place to reveal all manner of personal details. If you review my writing carefully, you can see that I never mention the names of my family, or post pictures of them (except the ones with my bride and I mugging for the camera at In and Out Burger). There are certainly no photos of the girls, as I feel especially protective of them, particularly when it comes to cyberspace.

But now I’ve gone and done it. I posted some of my personal drama for all to see. I certainly welcome the prayers and support of my friends, as well as the strangers that have apparently found their way to my writing. Thank you all. At this point, however, I feel I owe a bit of an explanation. I’m going to attempt to provide some detail, and yet still remain fuzzy on certain parts because I still want to maintain a certain cyber-distance here. For those of you who actually do know me and my family, I welcome you to call or write, and I’m more than happy to share details with you. For the rest of you who only know me through what I write here, know that I do indeed appreciate your reading. And I do appreciate the comments and kind words offered. Nevertheless, because I’m not really trying to open the entire book of my life for the entire world, I hope that you will forgive a certain terseness of expression and imprecision on certain details.

So…what’s the problem that has created all this ruckus?

It falls into three categories. First, my business. I have been engaged in a business for 4 years now. I have seen a certain measure of success in the beginning, and the last 3 years have been an up and down ride, mostly trending down -- at least trending well below the requirements of my life. I have poured my life into this business, expended great amount of energy and effort, learned much, and used up almost every penny of my savings. In the process I have ignored much that needed doing simply for lack of funds. I have come to a point of crisis. My frustration is such that although I can’t imagine what else to do, I also can’t quite imagine continuing on as I have.

Which brings me to the second category – my finances. Suffice it to say that I have nothing left. This is a problem which can be managed if one has a) high flexibility b)low responsibility c)good prospects for the future. My problem is that I have low to moderate flexibility, high responsibility, and after so much struggle to so little effect, I am finding it difficult to envision good prospects. A friend recently suggested applying for government aid and the idea repulses me. I can’t bring myself to do it. I have been carrying debt that I cannot pay right now, my cars and my house have some serious problems with deferred maintenance, my body likewise, and I’m left deciding which bills will not get paid this month. This has been going on so long that I am left feeling drained and just tired of the struggle.

What is the third? On top of all this, my wife has been struggling with health issues for some years. We have been living for the last three under the spectre of Multiple Sclerosis. Recently, some of this came to a head when she awoke one morning unable to see from one eye. To cut through the intervening events, it appears to be uveitis (inflammation of the eye) which is usually a signal of other conditions taking place within the body. Specifically it usually points to an auto-immune condition, or a rheumatic (inflammatory illness) condition. We are not sure what this may mean in the long run, but we suspect it will not be very good. On the other hand, we may be getting just a little closer to finding out what has actually been plaguing her for all these years, and find a treatment. The greatest problem is that we simply don't know. The possibilities for this range from the deadly to the chronically inconvenient. One tries not to mentally go to the worst case scenario, for while it may be true (or may not) dwelling there yields few benefits. Yet that is where the mind tends to want to go. It is a discipline to keep a firm grip on reality yet a strong focus on the best possible outcome at all times. For my wife, this raises all kinds of questions about what she needs to do to take care of herself, including considering whether she can continue to operate our home school. These are enormous questions. Mostly, we just want her to be well because we love her.

Of course, all this comes at a price. While I am glad for the doctors and the work they have been doing, the fear created by the news they are uncovering is heightened by the fact that I have absolutely no idea of how I am going to pay for all this. We have some health insurance (for which we pay most dearly – a significant source of our financial ills) but it by no means covers everything. By the time this is all done, I could foresee this doubling or tripling our debt. I’m just making that number up, but it seems feasible. Again, this would be manageable if I could see how I could make the money to pay for it. My challenge is that I do not seem to have the wherewithal within my current business to obtain to that.

So here I am. Something’s gotta give. And perhaps something is. We have been alert and looking to see how God is working in this. We know that He seems to like to work through the agency of the people around us, but we have also tried to be alert for outright miracles. We wouldn’t put it past Him. He has a history of that sort of thing.

Today we had a most candid conversation with a man who has been a good friend, mentor and teacher throughout this process. He brought me into this business. Today he listened. He asked a few questions and learned some things of which he was not aware. He promised to work with us to find a way to make things work. This conversation has been extremely helpful.

I have found a way to possibly reduce the cost of our family health insurance. I will be pursuing that immediately.

We have been amazed at how many people have responded by pointing us to resources, people they know who know something about this sort of thing. Others have stepped up to tell us (and show us) how much they care by actually providing physical help, taking the girls so we can go to doctor’s appointments, or accompanying my wife when I cannot. Others who cannot do that have offered innumerable words of encouragement and prayer, and we are exceptionally grateful for those. In a time when we find ourselves praying more than every, we especially appreciate the prayers of others.

The medication my wife is taking is helping. Her eyesight is improving as the inflammation reduces. We have been pleased by the physicians she has been working with.

These then, are the great dragons of my life now. We work, and we work and we work. That does not stop. We also wait and wait and wait. And perhaps we learn slowly, slowly, to trust and depend not on our own arms, but on the arm of the LORD to slay them. We learn slowly, slowly to live by the power of His Spirit, and in this to ascribe to the One True and Living God the glory due Him.

First Sortie

Why all this talk about dragons?

Let me explain. I believe strongly in the value of systematic personal development. The crafting of a good life is not accidental. To that end, I am always working to become a more disciplined and focused person. I know that sounds really serious and kind of wonky. So be it.

Nevertheless, as part of this process, I occasionally will take time to meditate on the purpose of my life. This, I believe, is not so much something I impose upon myself, as much as it is something that I discover. Over the years, I have gone through several iterations of purpose statements, most of which have been quite banal -- at least in the choice of language. Lots of ordinary words or phrases you might find in thousands of self help books you would find anywhere. For example, for a long time, I felt that my purpose was to "Inspire others to become their best selves." Isn't that lame? Good in concept, but totally lame in expression. My own purpose statement was decidedly NON inspirational. (yawn)

So I decided to bring a little poetry into the equation. An image. A metaphor. Something that would elicit a more powerful and visceral reaction. As I cast about for the right image, I recalled this paragraph from the book The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck.

Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult - once we truly understand and accept it - then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.

Suddenly the image I needed came to me. My purpose in life is the serve others by Slaying Dragons.

A dragon is any challenge, problem or difficulty in my life. It could be a bad habit, a fear, or a circumstance. It could be a financial problem such as debt, or a sudden expense. It could be a problem with a personal relationship. It could be all manner of internal or external circumstances in my life. A dragon could even be simply a challenge I pose to myself, or decide for myself that I will take on. It need not be imposed upon me by outside forces. I can even create dragons solely for the purpose of killing them. Almost all dragons are by definition created by and arise from my own choices.

What makes this click for me so powerfully is the poetry, the imagery of it. The fear, the sweat, the struggle, the combat, the danger, the courage, the triumph. Not everyone's cup of tea perhaps, but I've always been attracted to and deeply influenced by the heroic.

My life's work then , is to hunt down the dragons of my life, find them and exterminate them. I do this for myself, for my family, and for my community.

If this picture seems overly dramatic to you, that's fine with me. It's not about you. Frankly , it fires me up. This helps me when I am faced with a task that I am not looking forward to. Perhaps it is mundane, monotonous, hard, or just NOT MUCH FUN. When I look at it in light of my purpose Then I get caught up in the excitement of what I am really doing -- killing dragons.

I have since added to that statement. to add a more positive element. I have now come to understand that my purpose is to kill dragons and build castles. It is not enough to destroy the obstacles and enemies that threaten my good life. I must build systems and structures that will protect and help my family.

So I am a warrior, and Lord of the Manor. That's a lot to live up to. God have mercy.