Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Lawn Lament

Mowing the lawn is stupid.

I'd rather:

  1. Burn it every couple weeks.
  2. Rent it to a farmer who will mow it for hay 3 times a year.
  3. Till it under and sow it in wildflowers.
  4. Buy a goat in the spring. Let it eat my lawn all summer. Turn it into shish kabobs and curry in October.

I had a friend recently described to me as a "Lawn Nazi." I guess that means that he is extremely zealous and exacting in his approach to lawn care. I guess that makes me a "Lawn Communist" because it's the most opposite thing to a fascist of the front yard that I can think of.

My lawn mower broke, and I ignored the growing grass for about 4 weeks, hoping it would just go away. Parts of the lawn reached almost 8 inches high. I actually kind of liked it that way. I bought a used mower for $75 and knocked the grass down today. I'm not sure whether it was a much better mower than my old one, but it sure seemed to work better. Of course, the blade was probably actually sharp, so that instead of bludgeoning the grass into submission, I was actually cutting it.

Whatever. Mowing the lawn is stupid. Really stupid.


kokomo said...

There's something absolutely wonderful about having the Lawn Nazi mow the yard horizontally, then vertically, which makes it look like a golf course from any angle. The real peace comes afterwards, when one can sit on the deck with a glass of wine, the evening sun and stare at the varied shades of grass as if they were depths of water. It's beautiful in its simplicity and soothing to the soul.

Dubbahdee said...

Well see, that's all well and good I suppose. But it pre-supposes that what one has is actually a dense monoculture of turf. To achieve that anti-natural state, one must apply a great deal of work, a variety of chemicals, and a substantial array of equipment. Of course, all that requires money the must be siphoned off from other areas of the books.

I don't mind looking at a beautiful lawn. I can certainly see how an evening you describe would be quite pleasant. If someone else did the work, I would be very appreciative. Especially with a drink in my hand and pleasant company.

I had a conversation with my daughter the other day about art. A work of art requires two people to be truly complete. There must be an artist, who actually creates the work. There must also be an Appreciator, someone who will experience the work. The audience is just as important to the artistic experience as the artist. This implies then that just because you enjoy music, doesn't mean you must necessarily become a musician. You may be a more valuable contributor by sitting in the audience and being an educated appreciator of the work.

I could enjoy a nicely kept lawn. But it'll be one cold cold day in Sheol before I ever make the effort to create one myself.

Anonymous said...

After sitting on my butt for most of the day, investing myself in a job that rarely shows short term results, I savor the chance to mow.That being said, I will never be a Lawn Nazi. Ron Jung

Dubbahdee said...

OK, let's get serious. Mowing a lawn is really not that much exercise. At best it is a mildly stimulating walk. It's not really forcing your heart rate up appreciably. It's not doing much to stimulate muscle growth of fat metabolism. It's just not THAT strenuous. If I want to exercise (and I do) I will exercise. I'll swing a kettlebell, run a few miles, do pushups or squats.

Now, if I were to pile a hundred pound weight on the mower, and then see if I can cut my time down each time I mow, then I could call it physical training. But since mowing the lawn is stupid, why the heck would I want to do that?

Of course, if you just like walking around pushing a roaring, smoke belching 4 cycle engine, more power to you. Enjoy it. De gustibus non est disputandum.

But me? If I want to breathe smoke, I'll light up a cigar.

Anonymous said...

Of course it isn't exercise. Does everything really have to be? You simply get to see immediate results from what you've just done. It's a necessity to some (maybe not you) and enjoyable to others (definitely not you).

p.s. you need a better mower and oil/gas ratio.

Dubbahdee said...

Sorry. I was focusing on the sitting your butt part of your comment. I inferred that you were talking about exercise. And fact, everything does have to be about exercise. You think the terrorists are mowing lawns? No. They are training to kill you and your family. They don't have time to mow lawns. This is a perfect example of what's wrong with America today. If were were serious about the war on terrorism, we would be raising our boys to hunt tangoes, not cut grass.

As for short term results, that's really all a lawn is. Mow it, and a week later it needs it again. It just keeps coming back. Unless you kill it. Which I recommend. Roundup should do it.

Yeah. It's late. I should go to bed.